As parents, we all like to sing our children’s praises. We want to help them believe in themselves, right? But to do this right, simply throwing out compliments doesn’t cut it. To get your child to recognize the importance of his efforts, praise must be authentic. It must help your child realize that his attempt and progress matter, even more than the end result.

Hitting the Right Notes

Praise is good for children when it is specific, and focuses on an action or behavior. This type of encouragement--praise that recognizes your child’s ways and efforts--helps him to feel known and understood, a critical element for early learning. So how do you make praise productive? It’s all about what you say and do.

Music to the Ears

• Use Lots of Description. Describe what your child has done, rather than evaluate it. Instead of saying, “You are very generous.” Say, “I see you shared your cookie with Lilly. That was very thoughtful. Look at how happy she looks.”
• Keep Compliments Specific. This helps a child learn to feel good about his efforts, rather than the finished product. So instead of saying “Good job!” say, “You really worked hard to build that tower.”
• Point Out the Positive. Try to comment on what your child has done right before you note the negative. “Wow! You got dressed all by yourself! Let’s just turn your sweater around so the tag is in the back.”
• Celebrate Trying. Let your child know that you’ve noticed how hard he’s been working to learn a new skill. “You turned and turned that piece until you got it to fit in the puzzle.”
• Recognize “Quiet” Accomplishments. When your child rises to a challenge, let him know you noticed. “I know you were nervous about going to the dentist, but you stayed calm and didn’t complain. You must be proud of yourself.”

Singing praise that is helpful and substantive may take a bit more practice on your part. But remember, your efforts will pay off—you will find that your child will be proud of his accomplishments, more willing to take on responsibility, try new challenges, help others, and make music of his own.

Special thanks to Nina Sazer O’Donnell, Martha Farrell Erickson, Ph.D., Fran Stott, Ph.D., and Alice Sterling Honig, Ph.D., for the generous donation of their valuable time and expertise in reviewing this edition of Bits of Understanding.

Civitas thanks Parents as Teachers, an international early childhood parent education and family support program, for their ongoing support. This Civitas tool was adapted for the Born Learning campaign.

© 2007 Civitas